Learning, bit by bit

Here are some things God is leading me to think about at the moment, and be changed by:

1. Prayer
My prayer life, for the past 8 years, has been largely self-centred, albeit led by the Spirit and every-moment-edness. At this staff conference I was inspired to take up my role as being co-worker with God himself; not in twisting God's arm for a change of events nationally, internationally, locally or personally, but actually creating anew the future. This is what it means for us to be co-creators with God, (as Patrick Johnstone taught us).

2. Sex
Love and the expression of that love is an area I am also growing in. I always presumed sex was something you did (in marriage) when you felt like it. However I haven't always 'felt' like it as much as I had expected to. Therefore my other reason became for my husband in particular to not be unfulfilled, (notice the double negative; not a very positive reason!) However I have now discovered a whole new meaning for sex - for the benefit of the relationship. I was talking to my Brazilian friend about this and was very much inspired by her and her husband's views and priority of this aspect of their marriage. So now I see sex as something for mutual and joint benefit, (for joining emotionally and physically, as well as for fun),and an important part of marriage, not an extra determined only by physical lust or fear of failing each other.

3. Church history and in particular monastic communities.
In Japan I met through my language classes Sister Nona, a Catholic sister from the Philippines, and we became friends. In fact we had lots in common. I would like to learn more about these type of communities in the old days, which I have been told were founded in order to be missional. I plan to research about them on the internet and write up some notes.

love Me xx

Life Update

Simon and I are in the UK for about a year-and-a-half; first of all to adjust to newly married life (it's happening day by day!), and secondly to pursue some mission-studies. From September that'll take the shape of a one-year Masters course at Redcliffe College, Gloucester, for me. The title of that is MA in Intercultural Studies in Asian Contexts. Meanwhile, an MA in Global Leadership at Redcliffe has caught Simon's eye; finances-permitting, he will do that one from September. After our studies we plan to return to Japan to further church-planting, and gospel-spreading. Before our course here starts, we are on the WEC South-West and South Wales regional team, speaking in CUs, churches and youth groups about God's call to mission, and helping people (especially young people) find their place in that. That's us in an nutshell for now; how about you?!

Hurting People

Only a few times in my life have I really offended someone to the point of them really not wanting to continue friendship with me. The first time was when I was 11; I was in Miss Spooner’s 1Y class, and we had all recently passed the 11-plus. I was put in a project team with Amanda, who up until that point in my life had been my best friend, and we were to do a project on Barnstaple together. Except about one week before the project had to be completed, I dumped Amanda, thinking that she had done no work on it whereas I had done loads. The reality was, if I remember rightly, that actually my sister, nine years my senior, had done loads on the same topic for her GCSE project, and I had nicked the lot. After that time, mine and A’s friendship was never the same.

The second happened last year in Kyoto, where, not least due to a number of complicating factors in our lives, me and another friend 'G' parted company on very painful terms. And on Facebook today, on seeing another girl's name pop up on someone's page, I am reminded of another couple of young international girls in Kyoto, who could barely be bothered to give me the time of day – I don’t think because I had done anything wrong in their eyes, but I simply wasn’t their ‘type’ of person.

These latter ones hurt me, and still do. Partly because I don’t believe I was wholly in the wrong, and feel reduced in worth through their attitudes. Also because I am hurt about the places I was in the wrong and hurt them. And sometimes I am frustrated because I just lacked the courage or know-how to know what to do to be friends with them. I still don’t really. But I have learned something.

I have learned that you cannot please everybody, and not everyone will like us; that even our most gallant efforts sometimes aren’t good enough, and that sometimes people won’t forgive you for mistakes. And that is why we stick with those who do love us and forgive us (like my husband), we rub shoulders in intended friendly harmony with those who don’t (like the girls above), and we don’t let our lives hang on the ones that simply don’t work out – or can’t under the circumstances they found themselves. (But that is the voice of one talking today who feels a bit down, who has been reminded of past hurt. But other times, when we have our perspective right about ourselves, the question must be, could there be reasons why we go out of our circle, and risk being hurt again?)

God forgives me, God lifts me up, God gives me purpose in life, God helps me and those offended move on.

Walking on the Clifftops

Now married (!), Simon and I are house-sitting in Anglesey. Today we went on a coastal walk, after a quick carouse around Holyhead, (and a disagreement about whether we should sail over to Dublin or not ... we didn't...I tried to 'submit'). Anyhow, on our coastal walk, not only did we both see puffins for the first time nestling in the cliff craveses, approach a lighthouse, and stroke a horses' nose, we also learnt some spiritual lessons.

First, this is for me really, but God showed me that ships need a lighthouse's light to guide them, and planes need an air-traffic control tower (we can actually see our local RAF Base one from the bathroom window!), so do humans need a guide. Only in our arrogance do we think we can do it ourselves, and, put plainly, we get lost. Or, we think we have found the point of life - in a big open field of pleasures and amusements - whereas actually, 'narrow is the path' that we need to find. And we need a guide to find it.

Second, after a steep descent down many steps to the lighthouse, we discovered it wasn't the season for it to be open for visitors. Shame. So, slightly dispirited and pretty exhausted, we had to re-climb all those steep steps with little more than a one minutes break. I was tired. And when I looked at the steps in front of me, I had to go slowly, and take lots of rests. But when I had the bright idea of instead looking up to my husband, up ahead of me, I suddenly found myself moving forward with a lighter step and a heart that felt I could do it! There is another lesson in there, I thought - in the mountains and valleys of life, to look to our bridegroom up ahead: the Lord Jesus Christ!

Weird Britain, weird me.

Well I've arrived, back in my own country, as a foreigner.

Well not quite - I did use the 'UK and other EU countries' entrance counter at Heathrow, and no-one stopped me. But in my sister's Surrey village, I feel rather like I'm on a movie set. My sister's house seems to have gained in beauty and comfort in my eyes since I last stayed. So do all the other houses nearby that I've seen. Even the local graveyard looks huge and beautiful, and the grave stones seem so short! (In Japan they're narrow and tall.) I'm observing British landscape and British people as a Japanese tourist might, and not just any faceless Japanese tourist, but my friends whose faces and names I know so well.

So here's some other amusing things...

Eastenders was just on, and there was a girl reading out a Bible reading - again not something you'd see on japanese soap!

This morning we went out for coffee with one of Soph's old colleagues. I was entranced by all the beautiful blond children in the gorgeous coffee shop - I thought the only beautiful blond children in the world were the Wilson children - now I see many other lookalike 'missionary kids' who wouldn't even know what the term meant!

I am enjoying myself, eager for phone calls from friends. finding it strange not to have my own mobile phone so I can't call anyone yet. But the good thing is my future mother-in-law sent me a little present, and it's just what I needed - a watch! So I won't need to ask my mum what I almost asked her on the phone earlier - 'So what time is it with you?' I just need to check my watch! (I think I'll leave my computer clock on Japanese time for the time being though!)

Oh... and about my last blog entry, in case you're wondering - yes within three hours of arriving my sister told me I was speaking weird ;-) (but actually I didn't mind a bit.)

Scared of coming home

It's my last full day in Kyoto. From here, I stay with friends at our headquarters, and then fly back to England. I am feeling sad today, and a bit scared of coming home, and want to express some of why I think that is.

I love being here. I feel sad to leave my friends' lives for the length of time I will be away - likely one-and-a-half years. Maybe they won't even be living in this region when I come back - so this life as I know it is soon gone. I also feel sad that my life will also move on loads and so when I come back, if my friends lives are much the same, I will be different to them. What's more, will I have to start all over again in learning Japanese vocabulary?!

I also feel frustrated that, although my friends and family in Britain will certainly realise I have moved countries, I don't think they may realise exactly what changes I will go through. For one, I will be very tired - packing up home is a huge thing, so I am not starting from an energetic position, or even from zero again, rather I am starting from minus-5. I also feel like a foreigner going to Britain - I can't quite remember how everything works - like renting a house, starting a mobile phone contract. I also can't quite remember how a group of young British people coming together inter-relate (although I don't think this will be such a problem, as I do have British team-mates here.) Furthermore for over two years here I have called people back home when I've felt like it - due to the time difference and my skype calling method; usually when other people call me I don't have my computer on. So this has created a self-controlled communication culture. I can see myself losing that control pretty fast on returning home!

What's more I am living in quite a private culture here, where spending time on your own is normal. But when I want to see someone, usually they are available at only two hours notice! In contrast in Britain, I will be staying with other people for my first two months, have little privacy in that, be seen as weird if I want to spend time by myself going places possibly, and if I do want to see some folk, probably have to book with them a couple of weeks in advance!

I may also surprise people if i use some funny turns of phrase in English, or say some Japanese words by mistake (I am really scared I will make some stupid mistakes and be laughed at my family - because in japan you do use funny turns of phrase in a Japanese-English kind of way).

So that's how I'm feeling. It's different to a holiday - my life is turning around again.

So much to do!

Planning an engagement ceremony, a wedding, new married life, moving country, closing a church, and doing a job means we have so much to do! Here are a few things on my/our To Do list.

Choose where to live after marriage for first 6 months (South-West, Oxford or Gloucester?)
Pray someone offers us a house for our first six months or less.
Choose whether or not to purchase a house
Choose bridesmaids dresses
Book a band
Buy stuff for table decorations
Book honeymoon (chosen already though!)
Arrange family planning methods
Book my flight ticket
Arrange where to stay after arriving back in Britain
Arrange where to be over Christmas here, and how to say goodbyes
Make wedding invitations!
Choose music and contact church again
Choose flowers- but this can be done at home
Fill in the application form and send to Bible College
Try and keep everyone happy with phone calls, and forgive myself and not care when I mostly fail in this

And today -write a speech for konyaushiki, email church leader with list of names, write prayer for church service tomorrow, and make a meal to take to church tomorrow... And supposed to be for today but not possible now - see lady about kimono, write and send personal newsletter, write and send Seeds of Grace
sorry I have to go!